Monday, October 27, 2003
( 12:40 PM ) ke
Friday, March 08, 2002
( 8:34 AM ) ke
every morning i walk into my office, check my e-mail for any signs of hope or joy, and then look around me for answers....
as usual there are none. and so i move through my day and wonder how i will find my solution.
i want to be gone from my current life so badly. but how do you hurt children, husband, disappoint parents, and start a new life that causes so much grief for everyone else. it is just not possible... and so i hold on to what little i have...
a good life... great kids... great husband... great job.... and try to fall back in love with it all...... #
Friday, February 08, 2002
( 9:15 PM ) ke
What a hideous week. I'm 40 and weird. I know, who cares...older women being as they are... Well, as my father used to say, "I care. I care a lot."
My love interest is a younger man--who I will call my "love interest" only to hook you but in reality I just like him a lot. He's a good guy and maybe even a good friend. He's 27 and beautiful and tries not to hurt my feelings too much. He is handling my obsession with him admirably and I am grateful or I might have to shoot myself in the head. I'm also married, until this year, happily. Hopefully, next year I will be able to say he survived my mid-life crisis. We have two sons, 15 & 12.
This week I did something I am so ashamed of. I am an art director and I am way underworked. I have hours and hours of extra time on my hands and in my current psychotic state that just gets me obsessing and spinning in a circle of ridiculous stupidity. That is, I do stupid things. This week I did an internet search of my love interest's name and came up with a new site. It landed me on some pictures of an annual party he and his friends have each year. My reward for that search, I found out where his web site is housed and learned about his buddy who keeps it for him. I am such a stupid ass. I emailed his buddy and asked if he would help me "mess" with my love interest. On a whim, I quickly thought something up. Dumb bunny. I say to my love interest's friend, "Help me crack my love interest's web page with this...." Quickly I think up something stupid to put on the web page and hit send.
No thought, no planning, no attention to all the "what ifs..." Like, what if his friend says... Sorry, I don't think your love interest would be amused...which is exactly what he said. I'm left sitting in my little office feeling, being, owning my obsessive, puny, stupidity. I could just cut my throat but I won't. Instead I will scream silently for a couple of weeks and try not to come up with cheery emails to my love interest OR his friend, although I did send his friend another one today. I am so pathetic. Isn't it cool being so.....pathetic.
Tonight, like everyone else in the world, I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics and the grandeur and beauty of it all made me feel so small. #